So wrong (in triplicate!)

Reporting to you from Mexico with a few things to share.  You are reading this post, which means that you know me and my love for numbering my thoughts.  So here we go:

1.  I saw a real live call girl last night!  At the Ritz Cancun - the Mr. is here for a meeting and I am tagging along for the beach (aka: tequila).  While at the bar having dinner on my own I ecountered a situation.  Stunningly beautiful girl walks in and sits down next to the oldest and crustiest dude... he buys her a drink and then laments his lifelong failure as a father.  He gets depressed and soon asks her to raise his spirits (right?) by standing up and turning around - slowly he requests - which she does obediently.  He applauds loudly, pays the check and whisks her away.  So wrong... yet fascinating.

2.  Same bar, same night, where I am devouring good sushi and a good book.  I am into non-ficton lately, and more specifically, educational non-fiction.  So naturally my "beach read" book is about evolution!  I have to say that while reading about my fishy anscestors I felt very guilty about my sushi binge.  Sorry uncle ahi ahi!  So wrong... yet yummy.

3.  Have just checked into a new spot for some R&R with the Mr. - I opted for an "eco - luxe" spot in what is called the Mexican Riviera (just to see what such oxymoron might look like).  And here we are, lazing on a hammock with spider monkeys in our trees and lizards in our bathroom.  On a good day I would be the first to say ADIOS - but here I am loving every minute.  So wrong... yet spectacular.

I think my house is more high maintenance than me

I think my house has surpassed me (in short time mind you) as being more high maintenance.  Without being too graphic about my personal grooming... let me share some serious discrepancies:

House:  Someone comes by once a week to mow the lawn and trim the hedge
Me:  No such service (yet...)

House:  Tree branches scratching roof are quickly attended to and trimmed accordingly
Me:  Where was such service when I was scratching my eyes while growing out my bangs?

House:  Small cracks in patio to be filled and polished
Me:  Have yet to find a facialist - small cracks in face running rampant

House:  Cream facade must be washed to rid dirt kicked up during heavy rains
Me:  I had spinach in my teeth for a whole day and no one told me

Clearly I have a lot to learn from this B@*%^$.

Too much of a good thing?

For the record, I love Texas.  I love being back in the United States.  I love driving a car again.  I love Tex-Mex.  But I am finding it hard to just jump right in... I might be experiencing too much of a good thing.

Example 1:  the grocery store

Oh you know I love myself some grocery shopping!  I may have met my match... in Dallas it is known as The Central Market.  It is massive (equal to a NY city block?) - it has everything - and if you forget something you have to start back at the front door and hop back into the racetrack at GO.  I have decided it is for the more "experienced" shopper and now frequent the local Tom Thumb (still a force to be reckoned with!)

Example 2:  boozy lunches

Oh you know I love myself some margaritas!  Apparently, so does everyone in the state of Texas.  I met an old and now new again friend for lunch (hello K.E.S - so happy to have re-made your acquaintance!) and I thought it was very endearing when she asked if I was drinking.  I then took the pulse of the room and found that everyone was drinking... on a Thursday - at noon - margaritas everywhere - like a dodgy NYC happy hour (and I know what I am talking about here!)  My sister and I went to lunch the following day at another spot and remarked at the sheer amount of booze flowing (one table had margaritas AND a bottle of wine to boot!)  Dallas... I love you for this... but you may just kill me.

Example 3:  power walking

Oh you know how I love myself some... wait, no, I actually don't love this one.  Okay fellow neighbors - what gives?  When did power walking become de rigueur?  I look out my windows pretty much any time of day and feel like there is a flash mob - but then I realize there isn't any irony and you all are out for sheer exercise in numbers.  I applaud you - yet do not understand you... yet.

Give me time and I have no doubt I will be power walking through The Central Market sipping a margarita.

Back in the blog

Having escaped the dark period that we now refer to as AMS - I feel so guilty adding more complaint - and yet I continue - mostly because a good number of you have told me that you enjoy reading these stories.  So I am back in the blog... ironically again to keep my sanity.  I have a new problem.  I have a family of frogs living in my house. 

Dan and I bought a house back in June - our first house actually - and the entire experience has been such a roller coaster.  (In a nutshell... WTF??? Why didn't any of you tell me how hard this @%^&$ is?)  Long story short - we had to make some adjustments / tweak some things / change some doors / and as a result we ended up with a 3" gap in one of our back doors.  It was a temporary problem (I was assured) that would be re-visited later in the week.  

The next morning after said adjustments I woke up to find a family of frogs in our family room.  Even Lola was so taken aback that she just rolled with it.  And these were proper frogs.  Not the kind you can scoop up and say "oh, you are so cute!"  No - evicting these frogs required strength and guts and resolve.  It sucked.  They scared me.  I was so pissed.

Loving Texas - the frogs not so much.  

Food / Dallas / Mantra

Dining out in my new village has caused me reason to embrace a new mantra.  (I would tell you my old one, but 1. It isn't as applicable now that I have left Europe, and 2. It certainly wouldn't endear me to any of you!)  New times call for new mantras!  And this is why:

The restaurants here are amazing... the food comes out fresh - it comes out fast - it comes out in mass.  I went for sushi the other night and the roll of the day was steak!  At the last 3 lunch outings I have encountered the same beverage options upon sitting down (and in this exact order) water, tea, a shot of tequila.  If you don't order dessert, they still bring you something sweet!  All of this southern hospitality is doing a number on me.  The juicer isn't getting as much love as it used to (and poor thing... how can it compete with guacamole, really?)

Hence a new mantra.  Part of me is stuck in the greedy food mode, where I eat as though I will never see food again (I blame this on Amsterdam - because dining out there, you were never sure if you would actually GET your food!)  Part of me is stuck in the experimental food mode, where I order crazy &$^%# just because I can (again, Amsterdam is fully to blame!)  There are so many food issues to address, and obviously so many things to blame squarely on Amsterdam... but for the sake of time, I will close with the much anticipated new mantra I have adopted.

YOU CAN'T EAT IT ALL!!!

Some things change... but mostly they stay the same

Status update:

1.  I am still a corporate wife (phew!)

2.  I am still living in a village (wtf?)

So although my locale has changed (hello, Dallas!) my corporate wife in the village title is going to stay the same - seriously - it still fits the bill!  I traded one village for another.  But my new village has a few stand outs... such as landscaping that rivals the set of The Truman Show, neighbors that bring over champagne bottles for welcome gifts, and people power walking (or jogging - though not as often) all hours of the day (and night, actually).  It is quaint, it is hot as hell, and it is lovely and surreal at the same time.  In a nutshell, I feel like I am living in a Disneyland for adults (or Disneyworld - which one is better, I forget?)

Obviously I love it!

But I have so much to learn.

It's not you, it's me

Dear Amsterdam,

It's not you, it's me... and I think it is time for us to part ways after these three years together.  I knew you would be something different - and I have to be honest - it was the excitement that drew me to you.  But I am tired of all the BS.  

When we first got together you were all sunny and friendly and full of optimism.  Remember when we found the one place in town that sold bourbon and we would drink it on ice with sugar cubes on the roof deck?  We didn't care about having to lug the groceries home everyday back then... everything was aces!

But when I got sick that first fall, you quickly turned your back on me and told me to stop whining and use some over-the-counter nasal spray.  Your lack of compassion was a real shock.  A solid month of rain didn't do me any favors, either.

Sure the honeymoon phase ended - but I was no fool - I was prepared to put in the effort to make this thing work.  I think it got to be a communication thing for us.  We just never spoke the same language, did we?  We kind of starting forcing things between us, and that made us both resentful.  I never really felt I could be myself with you.

I don't have any regrets, though.  You taught me a lot about myself and I will always be grateful for your honesty (though brutal it often was!)  You certainly never coddled me with all of your Dutch directness.  I gave you a few good years of my life and now it is time to move on.

I will always think of you when I see tulips!

Tot Ziens!

Charlie

P.S. Please don't take it hard, but I am leaving you for a Texan. 

An unreasonable request

In keeping up with my effort to lead a healthier life (the juicing, the exercise, the measured restraint with my martinis) I have been looking into detox spas.  Some place that will not only pamper the exterior, but overhaul the interior.  A results driven initiative if you will.

I have had one place in the back of my mind for quite some time now... a place revered for a very comprehensive program (though not as crazy as the Ashram - that is like a detox spa for Navy Seals in my opinion).  It is in the UK, consists of a 7 day juice fast, compulsory daily yoga and meditation, complimentary spa treatments, and irrigation - lots of irrigation - (google that if you are perplexed, as this is a family-friendly blog!)  Yes, this "retreat" as they like to call themselves, has always been my hail mary for health - that last intense effort to get it together - and I impulsively decided last week to book my spot for the May clinic.

Now, it is already a stretch for me to commit to 7 days away on my own.   Taking food out of the equation certainly wasn't going to help matters.  Being a little late to the game, the single cottages had already been booked - so I was looking at a roommate.  Wow... getting harder by the minute to make the leap!  I pushed myself to be "open to the experience" and sallied forth.  On the phone with the retreat director she asked me a few questions to complete my reservation.  What were my goals?  Easy... to be putty in your hands.  Had I juiced before?  Yep, and it lead me to an emotional breakdown - so get ready to have fun!  Would I prefer a twin sized bed or a double sized bed?  The double, as I am 6 ft. tall.  And here is where we hit a snag...

My height was going to be an issue.  She wasn't sure if I would be able to fit into the shower of my cottage.  All of the cottages with bathtubs had already been booked.  She wondered aloud if this was going to work, and then brightly exclaimed "Ahhhh, you can use the pool!"  Yes, she intended for my bathing requirements to be met by taking a quick dip in the pool -for 7 days!  Still in shock when we got off the phone - I decided to think on it for a few days before sending my payment.

Oh, I thought on it!  I had nightmares for 2 nights straight!  Not so impulsively, I withdrew my reservation this morning.

Ego put in check, and then some

In an attempt to take my physical fitness "to the next level," I recently purchased Tracy Anderson's Dance Cardio for Beginners.  If you don't know who Tracy Anderson is, you must not be as obsessed with Gwyneth Paltrow as I am.  Good for you.  I am jealous of the balanced life you are leading.

Anyway... I used Anderson's The Method most of last summer and got some great results.  Anyone that forbids me from lifting more than 3lbs of weight or doing too much cardio has got my attention and affection!  I was a big method fan.  But you can only exercise to the same dvd for so long before you go crazy.  You hone in on each production glitch, camera angle snafu, annoying "if it hurts it is working" humor, etc... my OCD personality couldn't take it anymore.

Hence the move to dance cardio (beginners, mind you!)  Well, let me be the first to shout it from the mountains - I CAN'T DANCE, PEOPLE.  No, I am a tall and uncoordinated almost-40 white woman that secretly wishes she could at least shake it a smidge.  When I do shake it, you can bet tequila is involved.  I would be lying if I didn't admit that I was hoping my new exercise dvd would not only increase my fitness, but also give me some sense of rhythm.

I didn't even complete the warm up session.  The warm up kicked my ass.  The warm up made me fall on my own floor.  The warm up had me so confused with all of the 5, 6, 7, 8 counting and pivoting.  So you know what I ended up doing?  I sat on my sofa and watched a bunch of professional grade dancers prance around my television for 30 minutes doing routines I will only perform in my sleep.  If I'm lucky.

Shortcomings

I am ever optimistic that 2012 will be a fantastic year.  However, the first few weeks wouldn't give any indication to that statement.  In no particular order, I give you my list of shortcomings:

1. As a self-proclaimed "dog mom" - I obviously take this job very seriously.   Imagine my horror upon realizing that I had accidentally shut my dog outside not once, but twice, in the last week?  Yep, I would take her out to do her thing and somehow in the mix she would get left outside... I would be back inside puttering around the house talking to her, and once I had realized she wasn't answering any of my questions, would run to the front door in a panic.  Each time I found her sitting patiently on the steps to our house.  If we were still in NYC I would be in trouble.

2. January means detox in our house.  It started out as a no alcohol thing years ago, but this year has morphed into a no alcohol or solids - that's right - we have been juice cleansing!  First off, let me just share a very important piece of information with you... never, ever, under any circumstances start a juice cleanse on New Year's day.  Big mistake.  The alcohol withdrawal from the previous evening, coupled with all of those green vegetables swirling around in your stomach is a recipe for deep, dark, please make it stop depression.  I never realized how much I loved chewing things.  My poor husband put up with daily rants from me, as well as a massive melt down - I actually cried because I missed food so much.  Guess what we did that tear-fueled night?  We ATE something!  And it was glorious.

3. My Dutch relations are still shaky at best.  It basically boils down to something like:  If you are nice to me, I will be exceedingly nice back to you.  If you are mean to me, I might very well threaten to kill you on the spot.  Yes, I still seem to have that new-found temper brewing inside me.  Well, to be honest, how new-found is it now that we can clock the years?  An example would be the man walking in our neighborhood who scolded me yesterday for yielding to him while I was on my bike.  I stopped so that he could cross the street at a mildly busy intersection.  He yelled at me.  I couldn't figure it out.  So I yelled back in English something like "What is your ^&$%#$-ing problem?" ( Okay, that is actually exactly what I said - and it is really hard to pronounce all of those symbols!)  And he yelled back while crossing the street "You are going to get somebody killed if you do that again!"  This one still perplexes me.